Pat, thanks so much for allowing me to guest on your website once again.
Let me apologize profusely for the tense disagreement we had on the next time I would be here. Should you have a “refrigerator repair man” named Tony “Big Knuckles” Contoni ring your doorbell, please contact the police as soon as possible.
Oh, and you might want to hold off drinking those bottles of red wine anonymously sent to you.
Unless, of course, you have an antidote.
Previously on Rich Keller, Gentleman Author …
INT. THE CAVERNOUS HOME OFFICE OF RICH – STORMY EVENING
RICH sits with his head in his hands
RICH: Oh, how woeful is my life!
RICH’S WIFE ENTERS. PORTRAYED BY ANGELINA JOLIE
WIFE: What is it, my darling and talented husband?
RICH: I haven’t heard from my publisher via email or phone in forty-five days.
WIFE RUBS RICH’S BALD HEAD
WIFE: Oh, goodness! We shan’t have that. You must speak with a legal counselor to resolve the matter.
RICH: Yes, I shall. Let us celebrate by adopting another child.
INT. THE NORTHERN COLORADO WRITERS CONFERENCE – CLOUDY DAY
ATTORNEY, PORTRAYED BY JULIA ROBERTS, REVIEWS PUBLISHING CONTRACT
ATTORNEY: This is unacceptable! Your publisher is in violation of her contract. You are free to request they rescind it and return all rights to you.
RICH: Oh, frabjuous day! You have lightened my spirit beyond the normal means.
ATTORNEY: I am nothing but a humble jurist who understands great humility and talent when I see it.
RICH: Yes, I am greatly talented. I’m glad you see how talented I am. But why not handsome?
INT. RICH’S CAVERNOUS HOME OFFICE – SUNNY DAY
RICH: It has been seven days since I sent my notice to the publisher, and they have not responded to my deadline.
WIFE: Does that mean you are taking back the rights to Paradise Not Quite Lost?
RICH GRABS WIFE AROUND THE WAIST.
RICH: Yes, yes, my darling! PNQL is mine to produce under Wooden Pants Publishing.
WIFE: Such a beautiful name for a company. Come, my gentleman author, let us make mad passionate love on the verandah.
RICH: Yeah, okay, if you say so.
ORCHESTRA MUSIC SWELLS. FADE TO BLACK.
And here we are, minus Angelina Jolie as my wife. I had once thought that Paradise Not Quite Lost would never see the light of day. However, through some consultations and determination, I decided to take matters into my own hands and get the rights back from the publisher who, by the way, has never contacted me again since I sent my final letter to them.
Sure, I just released the extremely popular Coffee Cup Tales at the end of April but I needed to return to Paradise Not Quite Lost. This was the manuscript that got me started on the path to publication, the one that my critique group repeatedly reviewed, and the one the agent gave me a glowing rejection letter on. Most important, it was the one everyone kept asking about while I ducked my head in shame and muttered “I don’t know when it’s going to be released.” I couldn’t let it fade away while my other projects picked up.
Paradise Not Quite Lost is my first love, and that’s why I’m releasing it on June 17th with a brand new and, frankly, more professional cover. I hope you all pick it up and remember that there’s nothing stopping you from going back to your first love, except perhaps a restraining order.
Don’t worry, Rich. I have an old friend from Detroit who warned me about Mr. Contoni. Contoni now sleeps with the fishes. And all anonymous gifts are handed over to the authorities for collection of fingerprints and DNA. If you weren’t careful enough … well … I’m just sayin’…
All right, enough of that nonsense. As always, Rich, I enjoyed your post and your banter. Thanks for being here.
Rich is a resident of Northern Colorado, assistant to the grand goddess of Northern Colorado Writers, and a really nice person. And he’s funny!